Fantasy owner files suit against Titans' Johnson

October 5, 2011
Irv N. Michaels, The Pigskin Weekly Journal 

HOBOKEN, NJ -- As the popularity of the National Football League continues to grow to unprecedented heights in this country, so too does the popularity of fantasy football leagues.  And while many regard these leagues as merely an entertaining way to get more involved in the games, for others, fantasy football has come to represent far more than just bragging rights.

On Wednesday, a Hoboken, New Jersey man filed a lawsuit against Tennessee Titans star Chris Johnson, claiming the running back has badly underperformed this season, given where he was selected in an early-September fantasy football draft.

“I drafted Chris Johnson in the first round, number three overall,” said Lou Nussy, a 38-year old a sanitation worker from Hoboken.  “Every time I lose a game in my league, I’m out twenty bucks.  Thanks to this bum, I’m 0-4!”

According to Nussy, Johnson’s numbers through four games are not indicative of what should be expected from a high first round fantasy draft pick.

“Every year of his career so far, this guy’s had at least ten total touchdowns,” said Nussy.  “Two years ago, he had sixteen.  This year he has the same amount of touchdowns as I do…zero.”

Johnson’s inability to reach the end zone, according to Nussy, hasn’t been the fifth year running back’s only shortcoming this season however.

“This guy’s averaging 2.9 yards a carry…2.9!”  said Nussy.  “Against the Denver Broncos he gets 21 yards on 13 carries!  That’s less than 2 yards a carry against the stinkin’ Broncos!”

“I pick up trash for a living and I could manage 4 yards a pop against that train wreck of a defense!”

Although his team, Rex Likes Barefoot Kickers, currently sits at 0-4, and has scored fewer points than any other squad in his 10-team league, Nussy says he has no plans to sue any other player on his fantasy roster.

“If our league took away points for interceptions then yeah, Tony Romo would have been a co-defendant,” said Nussy.  “Since we don’t though, the blame lies squarely on one guy…Chris Johnson.

Johnson, whose Titans face the tough task of taking on the Steelers in Pittsburgh this Sunday, was unavailable for comment.

Big Blue Madness 2011 to be biggest, best yet

October 5, 2011
Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

LEXINGTON – Following the 2010 edition of Big Blue Madness, the University of Kentucky’s highly anticipated annual kickoff to the college basketball season, Wildcats fans were left to wonder how the 2011 edition could ever possibly compare.

After all, Big Blue Madness 2010 featured such entertainment heavyweights as Henry Winkler, Montel Williams, Gallagher, and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.

The overwhelming star power of last year’s event notwithstanding, this year’s edition of Big Blue Madness, according to the public relations firm Det, Blue & Demon, will be even bigger, bluer, and madder than last year.

“We knew we had our work cut out for us to top last year’s Big Blue Madness,” said Det, Blue & Demon spokesperson Kenny Barnes.  “We are absolutely convinced, though, that that’s exactly what we have done.”

According to Barnes, the first order of business for the event’s organizers was to find a host that could create the same level of buzz as Winkler, the iconic Hollywood legend best known for his role as TV’s “The Fonz.”  Barnes believes they have succeeded.

“It gives us great pleasure to announce that the host of Big Blue Madness 2011will be the legendary star of stage and screen, Mr. Tony Danza,” said Barnes.  “Not only did Danza star in one of TV’s greatest shows in Taxi, he also forced us to answer that age old question...Who’s the Boss?”

In addition to Danza, as well as the unveiling of Coach John Calipari’s 2011-12 Wildcats – considered by many to be serious national title contenders – Big Blue Madness 2011 will include appearances by several A-list celebrities.

“After Coach Cal addresses Big Blue Nation, and introduces this year’s roster for the Kentucky Wildcats, singer-songwriter Juice Newton will perform songs off her new album,” said Barnes. 

Actors and musicians, according to Barnes, won’t be the only superstars on hand at Rupp Arena on the night of October 14th.

“Not only will Tony Danza and Juice Newton be performing,” said Barnes, “comedy legend Jackie “the Jokeman” Martling, reality TV star Chaz Bono, and wrestling legend Koko B. Ware will all be making appearances.”   

Big Blue Madness is scheduled for Friday night October the 14th, though an official starting time has yet to be announced.

'Cats Coach Accused of Cheating by Former Friend

September 8, 2011
by Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

CORDOVA, TN – Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari was caught cheating at a game of Scrabble, this according to a former friend. 

Merv Dingle, a used car dealer in the Memphis suburb of Cordova, contends that his friendship with the then-Tiger head coach ended three years ago thanks to the word "quilts."

"It was a pretty close game, but I was ahead," said Dingle.  "I could see that he was starting to get a little nervous too because tiny beads of sweat were forming along his brow." 

It was then, according to Dingle, that Calipari began behaving suspiciously.

"After he spelled the word 'stab,' he put his hand in the bag to retrieve a couple of new tiles." said Dingle.  "What was odd, though, was that he kept his hand in the bag for a good 30 seconds, and he was moving his fingers around a lot, almost like he was feeling for a particular letter."  

On his very next turn, according to Dingle, Calipari took the lead for good. 

"Out of nowhere, after diddling his fingers around that bag for damn near a minute, he suddenly spells 'quilts!" said Dingle. "He got a triple letter score with the 'Q" too, so that pretty much but put the game out of reach.” 

“I knew right then and there that he was a dirty, rotten cheat.  It was obvious that he was fishing in that bag for the 'U."

Dingle, a prominent booster for the Memphis basketball program, denies that Calipari leaving the Memphis program in 2009 to accept the head coaching position at Kentucky played a role in his decision to out his one time friend. 

"Scrabble is a game of ethics." said Dingle.  "If you're capable of cheating at Scrabble, God only knows what you’re capable of.  John leaving the Tiger program had nothing to do with me going public."

Calipari, who’s won 64 games in two seasons since taking over at Kentucky, was unavailable for comment.

BYU Fan Claims Jimmer's Sweat has Healing Powers

January 31, 2011
Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

PROVO, UT -- Jimmer Fredette's sweat has the power to heal, this according to a Utah woman who claims that perspiration from the BYU star is responsible for the disappearance of a scar that she had carried since childhood.

Anita Johnson, a 43-year old, lifetime resident of Provo, claims that Fredette's sweat struck her in the face midway through BYU's 71-58 victory over San Diego State last Wednesday.  Hours later, according to Johnson, a scar on her chin- the result of a near tragic dairy cow attack some thirty years prior- had suddenly disappeared.

"At first I though 'ewwww' because some of his sweat had landed on my lower lip and my chin," said Johnson, a substitute teacher who, on weekends, plays cowbell in an Amy Grant tribute band.  "But when I looked in the mirror just a little while later, I screamed...'cause my scar wasn't there no more.  My lips weren't chapped no more neither."

"I knew right then and there that it was Jimmer's sweat that had healed me."

The ability to heal is just the latest in a long list of accolades this season for Fredette, the likely frontrunner for national player of the year honors.  With just five home games remaining on BYU's schedule, however, Johnson- who isn't a season ticket holder- hopes that her first encounter with Fredette's sweat wasn't her last.

"I've had ringing in my right ear for years now," said Johnson.  "Had I known Jimmer's sweat was magical, I'da put some of it on my finger the other night and given myself a wet Willie."

Fredette, whose eighth-ranked Cougars travel to Laramie to take on the Wyoming Cowboys on Wednesday, was unavailable for comment. 

Former sportswriter a recluse years after Parrish's 'Poll Attacks'

November 15, 2011
Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

FREDONIA, AZ -- Five years ago, Chuck Kerr's life was on the upswing. 

Not only was he living his dream as a sportswriter for the Fredonia Daily Examiner, he was married to his high school sweetheart, Ann, and the couple was expecting their first child, Kane, in time for Christmas.

Professionally, Kerr's career was on the upswing as well.  Despite having covered the local high school sports scene in Fredonia for just two years, Kerr was informed by his bosses that he'd been selected to cover the Northern Arizona University men's basketball team for the 2006-07 college hoops season.  

Perhaps the most exciting part of Kerr's new promotion, though, was the news that he had been selected that season to become a weekly voter in the Associated Press' top 25 college basketball poll.

Things couldn't have been better for Chuck Kerr.  

Then came The Poll Attacks.

Gary Parrish, the opinionated, remarkably tan longtime college basketball columnist for cbssports.com, had never met Chuck Kerr.  On New Year's Day 2007, however, Parrish's weekly column, The Poll Attacks, changed Kerr's life forever.

"My son was just a few weeks old, and I wasn't getting hardly any sleep," said Kerr, whose son Kane had been born on December 11th, "but it was Sunday night on New Year's Eve, and I had to get my poll turned in."

Although Texas Tech had lost at home to UNLV earlier in the week, Kerr nevertheless ranked Bobby Knight's Red Raiders #9 in his weekly AP poll.  The following day, Parrish pounced.

"I made an honest mistake.  I meant to rank Texas A&M ninth instead of Texas Tech," said Kerr, "That jerk Parrish ripped me though.  He referred to me in his column as 'that dumb mother Chuck Kerr.'" 

According to Kerr, however, things quickly went from bad to worse.

"Parrish's article got me a lot of notoriety back home," said Kerr.  "At the next Northern Arizona home game, the student section, the Lumberjackoffs, stood up the whole game and chanted at me 'dumb mother Chuck Kerr (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap), dumb mother Chuck Kerr (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap).'"   
 
"It was the most humiliating night of my life."

In the years since Parrish's attack on his poll, much has changed in Kerr's life.  He has long since given up writing, choosing instead to breed rabbits for meat.  In early 2009, Kerr's wife filed for divorce, citing her husband's descent into reclusiveness as the primary reason.       

Though he doesn't blame his wife for leaving him, there is one person who Kerr does blame.

"If it wasn't for Gary Parrish, I'd still be writing," said Kerr.  "If it wasn't for Gary Parrish, I'd still be married.  If it wasn't for Gary Parrish, I wouldn't walk around Fredonia with a bucket over my head."

"I blame Gary Parrish for everything!"

Parrish, whose The Poll Attacks column remains among his most popular, was in a tanning bed and thus was unavailable for comment. 

Kentucky basketball picks up unexpected commitment

October 28, 2010
Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

WINCHESTER, KY -- The University of Kentucky received quite a surprise on Thursday when a Winchester, Kentucky resident announced that his unborn child will be playing for the Wildcats basketball program.  During a hastily called press conference held at a Clark County area Sizzler, Festus Antone announced that his son, Lex, will be a Wildcat.  

"Ever since me and my wife got hitched, it's been my dream to have a son play for the Wildcats," said Antone, whose wife Sue's ultrasound on Wednesday revealed that the couple would be having a boy.  "When I saw that little ol' weinis of his up there on that screen, I started cryin' right then and there."

"And them was man tears too," added Antone, "which everyone knows is the rarest of all tears."

Antone, who stands only 5'-7" tall, is nevertheless confident that his son will be gifted with the physicals attributes to play major college basketball.  "My wife ain't too easy on the eyes, far from it in fact," said Antone.  "That ol' girl is bigger than Sasquatch though, and strong as a donkey."

"All seven of my daughters are big girls too," said Antone.  "My wife and I may look like Gandalf and Frodo standin' next to one another, but we sure enough breed big children." 

Despite nobody from the Kentucky athletic department having contacted him as of yet, Antone remains resolute.

"As sure as I am that that the sun'll come up in the mornin', and that Christian Laettner is the devil his self, I know in my heart that my boy'll one day be a 'Cat."

Big Blue Madness 2010 to be most star studded edition yet

October 5, 2010
Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

LEXINGTON -- Big Blue Madness, the University of Kentucky's wildly popular, annual prelude to the college basketball season, has long been among the most anticipated events on every UK fan's calendar.  The 2010 edition of Big Blue Madness, however, is shaping up to be the most star studded edition yet.

According to the public relations firm Det, Blue, & Demon, one of Hollywood's biggest stars has been booked to emcee the October 15th event. 

"We are excited to announce that Big Blue Madness 2010 will be hosted by none other than Henry Winkler," said DBD spokesperson Kenny Barnes.  "In addition to his iconic role as TV's The Fonz, Mr. Winkler has starred in such classic Hollywood blockbusters as Heroes, The Lords of Flatbush, and Night Shift."

In addition to Winkler, as well as the unveiling of the 2010-11 Wildcats basketball squad, Big Blue Madness, according to Barnes, will feature a veritable who's who from the world of movies, television, and music. 

"After the team is introduced for the first time, and Coach Calipari addresses Big Blue Nation, John Oates, one half of the classic rock duo Hall & Oates, will be performing songs from his new solo album," said Barnes.

According to Barnes, the star power won't be limited to just actors and musicians. 

"We are thrilled to announce that, after the annual slam dunk competition, comedy legend Gallagher will be performing," said Barnes.  "So you might want to bring your raincoats with you on the 15th because Wildcats won't be the only thing flying around Rupp Arena that night...chunks of watermelon will be as well."

Along with the artists booked to perform at Big Blue Madness, a number of A-list celebrities are slated to make appearances at Rupp Arena on the 15th. 

"In addition to Winkler, Oates, and Gallagher, we've received confirmation that, among others, Vince Schlomi, pitchman for such products as ShamWow! and the Slap Chop will be appearing.  Also, talk show legend Montell Williams, and Snooki from MTV's ratings juggernaut Jersey Shore will be on hand."

John Calipari, who was originally scheduled to participate in Gallagher's classic Sledge-o-Matic act, confirmed earlier in the week that he was forced to back out after twisting his ankle on a large wooden mallet. 

Big Blue Madness is scheduled to begin at 7:30 PM on Friday, October 15th.    

Cal's Championship Steakhouse to Adopt Strict No Sex Policy

August 10, 2010
Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

LEXINGTON -- While the Elite Eight Jumbo Chicken Wings, the Pig and Chick Panini, and the Wood-Grilled Kobe Beef Frankfurter remain on the menu at Cal's Championship Steakhouse, one item in particular is strictly off limits...sex. 

In light of explosive testimony that emerged during the recent Rick Pitino-Karen Sypher extortion trial, including details of an after hours sexual encounter between Pitino and Sypher at Porcini Resturant in Louisville, management at Cal's Championship Steakhouse has decided to take a proactive approach to what they deem to be a potential problem.

"There are few things in life that get folks feeling amorous and in the mood quite like a romantic dinner," said Orlando Johnson, manager of Cal's Championship Steakhouse in midtown Lexington.  "We would simply ask that, at Cal's, they refrain from engaging in intercourse at least until they get to the parking lot."

During the sensational Summer trial, in which Sypher was ultimately found guilty of three counts of extortion, two counts of lying to the FBI, and one count of retaliating against a witness, Pitino, while admitting to having sex with Sypher, testified that the act itself "lasted less than fifteen seconds."  According to Johnson, however, time isn't a factor in regards to the resturant's new policy.  "While obviously we'd prefer a brief encounter like Pitino's as opposed to a couple of people going at it on top of the bar for an hour, time really is a non-issue here," said Johnson.  "Our policy here at Cal's is no sex whatsoever, be it an hour or the amount of time it takes to toss a salad."

Cal's new policy, according to Johnson, isn't merely limited to the restaurant's dining room.  "No sex anywhere inside the restaurant, period," said Johnson.  "It might be okay for Pitino to do it at Porcini's, or for that Humpty guy to do it in a Burger King bathroom, but it ain't happening here at Cal's."