Big Blue Madness Sells Out, Thousands Turned Away

by Stu Dent, The College Basketball Enquirer

Tickets for Big Blue Madness, the University of Kentucky's wildly anticipated, first formal team practice of the upcoming basketball season, were claimed in an astonishing 45 minutes this past week.  However, despite the overwhelming excitement surrounding the team, and its first year head coach John Calipari, some fans are upset that they won't be able to witness the public unveiling of Coach Cal's new look 'Cats.  "This sucks!" said Jay Broni, a grocery store clerk from nearby Glasgow, Kentucky.  "I freakin' skipped work to get tickets to this thing.  Now all I'm gettin' is sixty-four dollars less in my paycheck."

Winifred Collins, 82, a self professed "lifelong 'Cats fanatic," claims she was tricked out of receiving her free ticket for the October 16th event by a fellow UK fan.  "A young man in a Kentucky shirt approached me in line and directed me to another, shorter line.  He said it was the line for senior citizens." said Collins.  "As it turns out, it was just the line to the bathroom.  By the time I found my way back to the line, they said the tickets were all gone."

According to some observers, a number of Wildcats fans were so distraught at not receiving a ticket to Big Blue Madness, they refused to leave Memorial Coliseum, where the tickets were being distributed.  "My friend told me that one dude stayed there all night." said Ronnie Dowell, who was among the first to claim his tickets early Saturday morning.  "My buddy said he was drinking from a flask, and he kept screaming 'I ain't leaving 'til somebody gives me a ticket!  I ain't leaving 'til somebody gives me a ticket!'  Eventually security had to carry him away, I guess."

Big Blue Madness, which will be held for just the fifth time at Rupp Arena, will begin at 7:30 PM this Friday night.  Fans will be allowed to enter Rupp Arena at 6:00 PM.    
 





















(CBE) UK fan Jimmy Dent is forceably removed
from the premises of Memorial Coliseum. 

Fantasy Owner Files Suit Against Chiefs' Johnson

by Irv N. Michaels, The Pigskin Weekly Journal 

As the overwhelming popularity of the National Football League continues its seemingly unending rise in this country, so to does the number of fans who participate in fantasy football leagues.  While for many, these leagues merely represent an entertaining way to get more involved in the games, for others, fantasy football has clearly come to represent far more than simply bragging rights.

This week, a Pocatello, Idaho man has filed a lawsuit against Kansas City Chiefs star Larry Johnson, claiming the running back has badly underperformed given where he was selected in a late-August preseason fantasy football draft.  Shea Watt, a maintenance worker at the Pocatello Zoo, charges that Johnson's subpar results through the first four weeks of the season has cost him money.  "I play in a league where every loss costs me twenty dollars." said Watt.  "Thanks to L.J., thanks to him not bein' able to find the dang end zone, I've lost all four games!"

Watt claims that Johnson, who has rushed for just 179 yards and no touchdowns through the Chiefs first four contests, should be held accountable to those who "wasted" a high draft pick on him.  "I picked up Johnson in the late-third round, figurin' he could muster nine or ten touchdowns this year, but someone forgot to tell me that the end zone, apparently, is the dude's kryptonite." said Watt.  "On top of that, he's averaging only 2.6 yards a carry!  I mean I clean cages at a zoo, and I could get 2.6 yards a carry!"

Johnson, whose Chiefs play host to the Dallas Cowboys this weekend, was unavailable for comment.

Son's Loyalty to Favre Divides Wisconsin Family

by Irv N. Michaels, The Pigskin Weekly Journal 

For as long as Mort Gunderson can remember, he's been a Green Bay Packers fan.  "Being a Packer backer is in my family's blood, just like ice fishing, aged cheese, and the family business." said Gunderson, a third generation manure salesman from Kaukauna, Wisconsin.  "It's who we Gunderson's are.  All of us 'cept my boy."

Gunderson's "boy," 19-year old Scottie Gunderson, no longer considers himself a Packers fan.  His loyalty, he claims, belongs instead to his boyhood idol.  "I support Brett Favre, and so I support the Minnesota Vikings." said the younger Gunderson.  "And if my family can't accept that, well then I just don't know what to tell 'em."  This stance, according to Scottie's mother Jinny Gunderson, is completely unacceptable.  "First off, no son of mine is going to wear purple.  It's fruity.  So there's that." said the 44-year old mother of six.  "But rooting for that team with that Judas as their quarterback?  Why that'll getcha kicked right out of the Gunderson home, you know!"

So venomous, in fact, is the Gunderson's disdain for Favre, and for the former Packer star's new team, they recently fired their son from his job as a warehouse worker at the family's manure store.  "I was a Warehouse Technician there, and they fired me." said Scottie.  "They got rid of their own son just because I root for Brett and the Vikes."  Jinny, the Accounts Receivables Manager at Son of a Gunderson's Manure & Soil, does not deny her son's claim.  "Your darn tootin' we fired him!  When you wear a Vikings number 4 jersey to our store, you can doggone bet your bottom dollar you're gettin' the boot.  And let's be clear.  The boy lifted manure to and from the shelves!  He wasn't a gosh darned technician!"

Mort Gunderson, though he understands his son's admiration of Favre while he was the quarterback of the Packers, cannot relate to his son's current state of mind.  "Scottie grew up watching Favre with the Pack, so I can see how he came to respect and admire the man.  I just don't think my son fully understands the evil that is today's Favre." said the elder Gunderson.  "I mean did you see that crackback he threw on that Wilson kid from the Texans?  Satan himself, vile, purple blood coursing through his veins, couldn't have thrown a dirtier block." 

Both the Vikings and the Packers open their regular season schedules on Sunday, September the 13th.  The teams first head-to-head meeting is on Monday night, October the 5th, at the Metrodome in Minneapolis.  Jinny Gunderson says that her son has been warned about showing up to the family's home that night in Viking purple.  "Purple is just a combination of black and blue, you know?  If he wants his body to match that lame jersey of his, he'll show up to my front door wearing it."

Criticism of Calipari Draws Ire of Popular UK Fan

by Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

Former Memphis basketball coach John Calipari has come under fire this week for his alleged involvement in a scandal that has forced the Tigers program to forfeit 38 victories and their 2008 Final Four appearance.  The internet's most prominent fan of Calipari's new team, for one, does not believe that the overwhelming criticism of the new Kentucky head man is warranted.

"Seems like Kentucky getting attack by the haters over Memphis screwing up a everyone wants Calipari out as the head coach at Kentucky." said Jason Wells, longtime Wildcats fan and arguably the most popular message board poster on cbssports.com.  "To the Calipari and Kentucky haters you're just pissed because Kentucky is back."

This week's ruling by the NCAA, which essentially erases the Tigers 2007-08 season from the record books, involves alleged inpropieties involving the SAT score of then incoming freshman Derrick Rose.  As far as Wells is concerned, neither Calipari nor the University of Kentucky bare any responsibility for what took place at Memphis.  "Why Kentucky should be punished Kentucky didn't do nothing wrong?" asked Wells.  "Everyone wants to point at Calipari because they are all pissed because he went to Kentucky."

Wells, himself a star basketball player at The College in Ohio, would simply prefer that Calipari's critics remain silent.  "Fans started trash talking about John Calipari like a old saying my dad told me what goes around comes around." said Wells.  "JDubs 3:16 says that the bottom line 'cause JDubs said so."

Kentucky opens their 2009-10 campaign on November 13 at home versus Morehead State.  Wells says he looks forward to what he expects will be a challenging non-conference schedule for the 'Cats.  "This year schedule is way better than last year's one." said Wells.  "Bump2."

Pro Wrestlers Encouraged by Lesnar's MMA Success

by Al Bano, The Ringside Enquirer

Brock Lesnar, the former pro wrestling champ who has fast established himself as the UFC's most controversial, most marketable, new star, might soon find himself recognized as the spearhead of a new trend in mixed martial arts, that trend being the influx of professional wrestlers entering the sport.

"Let me tell you something, brother, Great White is ready to take a great, big bite out of MMA, brother!" said Angus McCallister, aka Great White, a veteran performer for Power Pro Wrestling, an independent promotion based in the Pacific Northwest.  "What Brock showed the world, brother, is that pro wrestlers are some of the best athletes on the planet, brother! said McCallsiter.  "There's no doubt in my mind, brother, that I would step right into that Octagon and turn it into my own personal shark tank, brother!"

"Hip Hop" Bobby Brown, another veteran star of the independent wrestling circuit, says the skills possessed by professional wrestlers would translate well into the world of mixed martial arts.  "I'm gonna tell you right here, right now, baby, that no one in mixed martial arts would be able to deal with what I'd be bringin' to the party, baby!" said Brown.  "One second a dude's goin' for a takedown, the next second he's chewin' on a flyin' dropkick, baby!  I mean half of them moves they do wouldn't even work on me, baby, 'cause I'm fleet, I'm sweet, and I'm light on my feet, ahhhhh yeah."

When asked about the possibility of more performers from the scripted world of pro wrestling entering the very real world of mixed martial arts, MMA writer Jason Patterson expressed doubt.  "Bobby Lashley has started to make some waves in his MMA career, but like Lesnar, he too has a fairly accomplished background in amateur wrestling." stated Patterson.  "Most of these other pro wrestlers, however, who are considering making the move to mixed martial arts, would probably be best advised to seriously reconsider." 

Opinions such as these, according to Great White McCallister, will only serve to motivate wrestlers to give MMA a try.  "These punks who write that kind of crap don't know what they're talking about, brother!" said McCallister.  "I'd like to get that little pencil neck geek in the cage, brother, and show him just how deadly a shark attack can be, brother!"  

UFC President Dana White, who signed Lesnar back in 2007, reportedly was in meetings with Anhueser-Busch and was unavailable for comment.

Cal's Steakhouse Coming to Lexington, Changes Underway

by Gilbert C. Espy, III,  The College Basketball Enquirer

Cal's Championship Steakhouse is coming to Lexington, but not everyone is celebrating.  Several employees at The Thoroughbred, a struggling midtown eatery, have been informed that they will be losing their jobs once their restaurant is converted into a Cal's come September. 

"I've been working at The Thoroughbred for nearly five years." said waitress Joy Guillory, a 26-year old mother of two.  "I told the new management, when they met with us a few days ago, that I really wanted to work at Cal's, but they said they wanted to bring in their own people.  They said they were sorry, but there just wasn't going to be enough room."

Another waitress, Martha Pinkston, was also told that she would not be retained, this despite her upcoming return from maternity leave.  "I've been out for a while, waiting to have my baby, but I was definitely ready to get back in there." said Pinkston.  "I just think it's really unfair that I've been sitting out all this time, and now they tell me I can't come back." 

According to restaurant manager Orlando Johnson, several former employees from Cal's Championship Steakhouse in Memphis, including himself, will be brought in to work at the new Cal's in Lexington.  "We consider our Cal's family to be the absolute best in the business." said Johnson.  "We honestly would have preferred to bring in even more people from Memphis, but it just wasn't possible."  Cal's Championship Steakhouse, according to Johnson, will strive to bring an exciting new dining experience to the people of Lexington.  "We will bring in the finest quality, 5-star beef in America." said Johnson.  "It will be so good, in fact, that we know it won't stay very long...on your plate, that is."

John Calipari, who was hired as Kentucky's new basketball coach in April, was reportedly on a recruiting trip, and unavailable for comment.

Philly Fans to PETA: Back Off

by Irv N. Michaels, The Pigskin Weekly Journal 

If the controversial animal rights organization PETA is planning on picketing Philadelphia Eagles home games this season, they might want to reconsider, this according to a number of Eagles season ticket holders.  "I will, God as my witness, knock the hippie right out of 'em." said Lou DeCarlo, a Philadelphia native and self professed lifetime Eagles fanatic.  "I'll hit 'em so hard, I promise you, they'll instantly go from liberal and vegan to a right wing conservative who eats cheesesteaks."

Bobby Gamboa, a season ticket holder since 1985, says he actually welcomes a potential altercation with PETA.  "You know that stunt they pull, where they throw the fake blood on you?  I will wear, I kid you not, a coat made out of Siberian Husky to every game." said Gamboa.  "I pray, I pray that they throw that phony blood on me.  It'll be worth them doin' it just so I could pummel 'em afterwards for having done it."     

Paul Jackson, a retired security coordinator at Veterans Stadium, the Eagles former home, believes the possibility of a peaceful protest without incident is unlikely.  "Philadelphia sports fans, to say the least, are a passionate group." said Jackson.  "I know PETA has picketed other stadiums in other cities, but I don't know that they'd be prepared for what the Philly fan would throw at them.  And when I say 'throw," I mean literally.  I once saw an 80-year old woman throw a Rubik's Cube at Mike Schmidt."

"I'm a union member, so I know a thing or two about protesting." said Al Jacobs, a retired plumber and lifetime Philadelphia resident.  "I picketed for the workin' man though.  If I go out to Lincoln Financial and see some long haired kid wearin' sandals, holdin' up a dog sign, I don't know what I'll do.  Chances are you'll probably see the first ever PETA popsicle."

Representatives from PETA, unfortunately, could not be reached for comment.

'Bama Fans Still In Recovery After Utah Smackdown 

by Will E. Namath, The Ute County Daily Journal   

Percy Pusser is having a hard time sleeping.  Most nights, he lies awake for hours, unable to erase the image from his mind.  On rare nights, when he's actually able to fall asleep, he's often times awoken by the image.  31-17.  "After the Sugar Bowl ended, I just stood there starin' up at the scoreboard.  I must have stared up at it for a good, solid hour." said Pusser.  "I reckon you could say I was shell shocked.  Lookin' back, I wish I hadn't done it.  I'm scared I might have burned it into my mind, permanent like."

Pusser is not not alone.  Legions of Alabama fans are still coming to terms with the 31-17 Sugar Bowl loss to undefeated Utah.  The upset loss, for many Crimson Tide fans, put a damper on what had been regarded, going into the Sugar Bowl, as a highly successful campaign under then second year coach Nick Saban.  "Losin' to Florida was tough, but we knew that ol' Nick had us headin' in the right direction." said Jimmy Porter, a lifetime resident of Tuscaloosa.  "But to lose to somethin' called the Utes?  I don't even know what a Ute is!  I even looked it up on the Wikipedia!  Heck if I still don't know what a Ute is!"     

Glenda Stuckey, a resident of nearby Moundville, Alabama, claims her husband Ray nearly lost his job as a result of the Utah defeat.  "Raymond takes every loss hard," said Stuckey, "but this one was totally different."  According to Stuckey, Ray, a Hale County bus driver, took to ranting to passengers on his daily route about Utah and the Mountain West Conference.  "He'd just carry on for hours about Utah being a fluke, and them not comin' from a real conference." said Stuckey.  "Then one day one of his passengers said that Urban Meyer used to coach at Utah, and Ray just lost it.  Stopped right there in the middle of a intersection and yelled at the guy get the you know what off his bus.  He was real lucky they didn't fire him that very day."

Time, according to Pusser, has been the toughest thing to deal with since the January 2nd loss.  "That game left just an awful taste in the mouths of every Alabama fan.  Like a turd sandwich on Rye." said Pusser.  "We just got to get back out there on that field and get to winnin' again." 

The Crimson Tide open their 2009 campaign on September 5th against Virginia Tech at the Georgia Dome.

McDonald's All-American Game to Have Competition

by Lou Tolson,  The College Basketball Enquirer

Carl's Junior, for years a relative afterthought in the nation's ultra competitive fast food burger wars, will soon be challenging industry kingpin McDonald's in an arena that Ronald McDonald & Company have long claimed sole ownership of.  Starting in 2011, Carl's Junior will be sponsoring Carl's Famous Star Classic, an annual gathering of the nation's next, next best high school basketball talent.

"We're not looking for that five star, blue chip All-American kid that McDonald's is looking at." said Mick Nugent, Carl's Junior's National Director of Advanced Marketing.  "We're looking for that under the radar type kid, a kid with upside.  To use a burger analogy, we're looking for that humburger with only ketchup who aspires one day to become a Six Dollar Burger."

Nugent, who claims that the event will be a weekend long affair complete with a slam dunk contest and 3-point shootout, embraces the idea that the Famous Star Classic will be a showcase for "mid-major" talent.  "We're not McDonald's.  We're not Burger King.  Let's face it, we're not even Wendy's." said Nugent.  "North Carolina is McDonald's.  They're a Big Mac.  Duke is Burger King.  They're a Whopper.  Kentucky is Wendy's.  They're a Hot Stuffed Baked Potato with Sour Cream and Chives.  We're Gonzaga and Butler.  We're a Famous Star with Cheese and an order of CrissCut Fries." 

Though a television deal is not yet in place, Nugent is optimistic that Carl's Famous Star Classic will soon find its TV home.  "The McDonald's game is on ESPN, so obviously that's not an option." said Nugent.  "Meetings are in the works, however, with Versus and the CBS College Sports network just to name a couple.  We feel, speaking of CBS College Sports for example, that Greg Anthony and possibly that tanned guy, Parrish I believe is his name, would make an absolutely outstanding team."

'Cats Coach Accused of Cheating by Former Friend

by Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

John Calipari was caught cheating at a game of Scrabble, this according to a former friend.  Merv Dingle, a used car dealer in the Memphis suburb of Cordova, contends that their friendship ended two years ago thanks to the word "quilts."

"It was a pretty close game, but I was ahead." said Dingle.  "I could see that he was startin' to get a little nervous though because tiny beads of sweat were forming along his brow."  It was then, according to Dingle, that Calipari began behaving suspiciously.  "After he spelled the word 'stab,' he put his hand in the bag to retrieve a couple of new tiles." said Dingle.  "What was odd though was that he kept his hand in the bag for a good 30 seconds, and he was movin' his fingers around a lot, almost like he was feelin' for a particular letter."  

On his very next turn, according to Dingle, Calipari took the lead for good.  "Out of nowhere, after diddling his fingers around the bag for a doggone half minute, he suddenly spells 'quilts!" said Dingle. "He got a triple letter score with the 'Q" too, so that pretty much but put the game out of reach.  I knew right then and there that he was a dirty, rotten cheat.  It was obvious that he was fishing in that bag for the 'U."

Dingle, a prominent booster for the Memphis basketball program, denies that Calipari leaving Memphis to accept the head coaching position at Kentucky played a role in his decision to out his one time friend.  "Scrabble is a game of ethics." said Dingle.  "If you're capable of cheating at Scrabble, what's next?  John leaving the Tiger program had nothing to do with me going public."

Calipari, who became the new head coach at Kentucky in early April, was unavailable for comment.

Memphis TV Stations to Pull Calipari Ad

by Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

A Public Service Announcement featuring former Memphis basketball coach John Calipari will be pulled from Memphis area television stations effective June 1st, this according to the television watchdog group Parents for Repsonsible Broadcasting.  The ad, which features Calipari urging middle school students to remain in school and to focus on their studies, was pulled, according to PRB, because of the messenger, not the message.

"Fans in Memphis, including children, feel betrayed by Coach Calipari." said Faye Shull, the executive marketing director for PRB.  "Given the enormous lack of trust that kids in the area now have in Coach, it was determined that he should no longer be the one delivering this critically important message."  Starting in June, according to Shull, the Calipari ad will be replaced by a similar ad featuring Grizz, the mascot for the NBA's Memphis Grizzlies.  "Trust is a terribly important factor in the eyes of kids," said Shull, "and we feel, at this point, that Grizz represents a more trustworthy figure to them than Coach Calipari."

Calipari, who last month left the Memphis program to accept the head coaching position at the University of Kentucky, was unavailable for comment. 

Memphis to Send Kentucky a Bill

by Gil Espy, The College Basketball Enquirer

The University of Memphis accounting department on Friday announced their intentions to send an invoice to the athletic department at University of Kentucky, pending the final decisions of several highly rated former Tiger recruits.  "We're currently sifting through pages of account records, expense reports, credit card receipts, and other billable expenses," said Memphis Director of Accounts Recievables Barb O'Hurley.  "Money that was spent recruiting players who, at one time, were either signed with or verbally committed to the University of Memphis will be examined with a fine tooth comb." stated O'Hurley.  "If these kids end up signing with Kentucky to play for Coach Calipari, his traitor butt is getting a bill...via Fed Ex!"

Expenses accumulated during the recruitment of recent Kentucky verbal commitment DeMarcus Cousins, who at one time was committed to play for Memphis, will prove to be especially costly according to O'Hurley.  "Coach Calipari himself spent a considerable amount of time and money recruiting that young man.  said O'Hurley.  "Three nights in a row, Coach ate at a 5-star restaurant, and our records show that on each of those nights, he ordered the Surf & Turf.  We're not talking about the Sizzler here, we're talking about a Zagat rated, 5-star restaurant that charge upwards of fifty to seventy-five dollars per entree!  And he's sitting there ordering filet mignon and lobster every night!"   

Coach Calipari, who Kentucky recently made the highest paid coach in college basketball history, could not be reached for comment.  According to Kentucky's athletic department, Calipari was conducting "recruit strategy meetings" at Bushwood Country Club with members of his coaching staff.

This poll aint about who looks good in November, or who comes out on top in the EA Sports Great Hawaiian Punch Shootout.  This poll is about March!  This poll is about which teams are best equiped to win games come tournament time.  This poll, ladies and gentlemen, is about which teams have the game to leave the friendly confines of their home court, and to win ballgames away from home.  This IS the RiverNation Real Top Ten.<o:p></o:p>

1. North Carolina - The nation's best mix of talent, depth, and experience.  Forget about Roy Williams, Roy from Siegfried & Roy could win 30 games with this roster!<o:p></o:p>
2. Louisville - The Cards lost (arguably) their most valuable player from last season, yet they've somehow managed to get even more talented!  Jerks!  Rick Pitino might be the best coach in the nation in terms of getting his teams to peak at the right time.<o:p></o:p>
3. Pittsburgh - The Panthers roster often times resembled a M*A*S*H unit last season, thus explaining their chronic bouts with consistency.  If healthy, this Pitt team has Final Four caliber talent and experience.    <o:p></o:p>
4. Michigan State - Rumor has it, the NCAA rejected Drew Neitzel's attempt at an eight year of eligibility.  Nevertheless, count us among those who believe Drew's departure will make for a more athletic and better defensive Spartans club.<o:p></o:p>
5. UConn - The Huskies probably should be a bit higher, but the RiverNation has chosen to impose further punishment on them for last season's first round tournament loss.  Thabeet is the nation's most imposing big man, but the key will be how A.J. Price bounces back from offseason knee surgery.<o:p></o:p>
6. UCLA - How do you lose two players to the NBA Draft Lottery, and still debut in the RiverNation Real Top Ten?  Why you bring in the nation's most ridiculously talented recruiting class, of course!  Collison will be the glue that allows the newcomers to blend in.  If the kids are as good as advertised, a fourth straight Final Four is a real possibility.
7. Purdue - Matt Painter's Baby Boilers snuck up on a lot of teams last season.  This year's squad, which returns all five starters from last year, could be Purdue's best since the Big Dog days of Glenn Robinson.<o:p></o:p>
8. Gonzaga - The poster boys for mid-major success haven't won a tournament game since Adam Morrison and his porn star mustache led the Zags to the Sweet 16.  Led by floor general Jeremy Pargo, this could be Mark Few's best team yet.<o:p></o:p>
9. Miami (Fla.) - Since when did The U become a basketball school?  Since the arrival of head coach Frank Haith, that's when.  The Canes return 4 starters from a team that made it to the second round of the NCAA Tournament last season...and they're our pick to finish second in the ACC.<o:p></o:p>
10. Notre Dame - Though do-nation refers to them as the Toronto Blue Jays of College Basketball, I like their experience...nearly every player, including Big East POY Luke Harangody, returns...as well as their ability to knock down the 3.  Playing in the brutally difficult Big East will toughen them up come tournament time too.<o:p></o:p>

10.5 Duke - Their lack of success in the past two NCAA Tournaments keep them out of the Real Top Ten.  They're a great regular season team, but, in recent years, they've relied too much on the 3...and that's hurt them in the postseason.  If their bigs produce, they're a serious March threat once again.<o:p></o:p>

10.75 UNLV - Before crying "homer," let it be known that this pick is ALL do-nation.  Wink Adams is one of the best clutch players in America, and the Rebels put a ton of senior leadership on the court.  If Tre'Von Willis can flourish at the point, and if the center position can produce at all, the Runnin' Rebels will be an extremely difficult out come tournament time.

<o:p></o:p>

For as long as there have been sports, there has been debate.  Who's the best hitter?  Who's the best pitcher?  Did Wilt Chamberlain really sleep with that many women?  It's in the great spirit of debate that I present to you the debut installment of Theriverrock's Tale of the Tape.  Because in order to settle sports greatest debates, somebody's got to break down the facts...scientifically. 

They're two of the NFL's most popular signal callers.  But who's the better of the two?  Sure it may SEEM obvious to most, but let's dig a little deeper, shall we?  So let's break it down...it's Theriverrock's Tale of the Tape!

Tom Brady vs. Tony Romo

WOMEN: Brady dumped a pregnant television actress in favor of a supermodel.  Romo dumped a Grammy Award winning country singer in favor of a chick who played Daisy Duke, whose father encouraged her to get breast implants, and who didn't understand the concept that Chicken of the Sea was, in fact, tuna fish.  ADVANTAGE: Oddly enough...Romo

PLAYOFF SUCCESS: Tom is re-writing the record books, and appears well on his way to tying Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw for most Super Bowl victories.  Tony is re-writing the supermarket tabloids thanks to an ill-timed Mexican getaway prior to the Cowboys playoff loss to the Giants.  Looks like Tony dropped the ball again.  ADVANTAGE: Brady

LOUD MOUTH RECEIVER: Randy Moss's performance this season was "straight cash homey," after breaking Jerry Rice's single season touchdown reception mark.  That being said, would HE ever shed tears for HIS quarterback?  ADVANTAGE: Romo

OWNER: Robert Kraft leaves the football to the football people.  Jerry Jones fires the football people because he desperately wants to BE the football people.  ADVANTAGE: Brady

HEAD COACH: One is an ice cold perfectionist, a football genius who would do any and everything in order to win.  The other is Wade Philips.  ADVANTAGE: Brady

So whooooop there it is!  The facts have been broken down via science.  In a split decision, the NFL's reigning quarterback poster boy IS.....Tom Brady!  But hey Jessica...it's never too late, my dear, to try to sway the judging :-)

See you next time folks, and enjoy the freakin root beer!